Hello my beautiful email pals! 💜
Let me start by saying my god, the reassurance + kindness you all offered me after last month’s update was so healing. Part of me still always expects an attack to be lurking in every comment section (learned response 🙄), so actually finding an abundance of understanding and well-intentioned advice… Well, it was a beautiful gift for you to give me. Thank you.
My main take-aways from what you shared with me were:
Humans get sad sometimes and we deserve safe spaces to feel those feels, rather than forcing ourselves to get back to happy when we’re not ready.
The dark, cold months are hard and maybe we’re just wintering.
Being completely consumed by everything that’s wrong in the world
a) isn’t your job
b) doesn’t make those things any better and
c) makes it much more difficult to be alive and help where we can
So, with all of that in mind, a change of meds and a whole lot of self-gentleness, I started to climb out of the doom spiral, and re-connect to my life...
I found lots of moments for gratitude in January, some days of genuine peace, and I let the light back in 🌞
One of the places I’ve found the MOST joy in the last year is definitely dance class. Getting out of my thoughts, into my body + moving to a beat feels like giving myself radical permission to just… be.
Another mindful activity alert: I’ve decided that this is the year I learn how to cook. Properly. I could probably live on beans on toast + various pasta dishes forever, but it’s time to level up. And turns out, getting into the flow of a recipe, learning new things and feeling proud of something you’ve made? All good for the brain. Who knew?
My girlfriend is especially thankful for this new hobby and I am especially thankful for the ways she’s supported me through the grey weeks…
I don’t know about anyone else, but letting a new person in and allowing them to actually be a partner when you’ve always tried to figure out everything by yourself has been a real learning curve for me.
It’s been a leap of vulnerability to trust that things can be different. And so far, it’s definitely paid off 💜
I also happened to have a birthday this month (30!!! 🥳) and bae whisked me away for a weekend made in heaven.
We lived our best bougie spa life, absolutely smashed the breakfast buffet & looked at the sky a lot. It was perfect and I couldn’t have asked for a better entry into this next decade. ✨
Sometimes my brain makes poems and this one arrived on my birthday, as I sat looking over a peaceful expanse of green, listening to water trickling nearby. I hope you enjoy some part of it 😘
Things i know on the day i turn 30: Nothing at all (and everything i need) We're made for sun and grass and sugar and trees If you're hollow and they say it's love - leave Some people need you to be the problem - breathe The You who is Forever is young and unafraid You will lose her for years but She will stay It is a heartbreaking miracle to feel all you do; Write, paint, sing, cry, whenever you need to Everyone is shit at driving sometimes and Nobody has noticed that patch of sweat The skincare stuff is trial and error and For fuck sake when you're ill - rest Sex isn't shorthand for connection And being wanted won't make you whole. Forgive yourself for believing both, You were only ever doing as you were told You are bigger than big and smaller than small Emails get missed; you can't carry it all You are surrounded by love, even when you're numb Do another day; see what things become You will not save or destroy with one plastic bag; Moral perfection is a myth, we're all good and bad The space in your brain belongs to you Line it with peace and comfort and your own truth When the sun chooses you, stand in her warm Speak to the ancestors and call your mum You're allowed nice things but things is all they are Meet their gaze when you walk in, you got yourself this far Say thank you to strangers and Sundays and the sky Bow to past pain so it can pass by There is time to be held, to wander, to play It's ok to not know, and do life anyway
Transcript: Something that I always forget when I’m in a really dark place, is that I’m not gonna think my way out of it. I’m not gonna solve my overthinking by thinking about it more. I can’t get myself out of the hole by digging deeper. The only way out is to look up and reconnect with my life again. Doing the things that I know mattered to me before, seeing the people who I know I love, reconnecting and thinking less. And it’s not this flick of the switch, suddenly everything’s ok again, it’s just this gradual adding up of the moments until you feel like “oh, this is what being ok feels like, this is joy, this is peace”. And it all starts with being willing to let go a little, and trust that it’s ok to not know the answers, and do life anyway.
That’s all for this month my angels! Thank you SO much for sticking here with me, for being human and imperfect and still showing up.
And extra thank you to those of you who are willing to support what I put out tangibly by being paid subscribers - it’s never an expectation but it’s always very very appreciated 🌻
The comments are open as always to share your life updates, reflections, revelations or to just sprinkle some extra love on whomever might read them!
Big BIG love,
M
💜
Here goes... it's ✨MJC-mail!✨
Before I even saw you’d sent an update, I was thinking about you this morning. I was thinking about how your work was my first introduction to body positivity, and how that quite literally changed my life. I know I’m not the only one who you did that for, and while I read other books and followed other people and learned from them too, I just wanted to take a moment and thank you for the work you do. These days it’s the body positivity, yes, but also the mental health stuff too. You continue to give me the most timely reminders, and I am so thankful for it. I feel lucky to be on this planet at the same time as you. I’m so happy to see this update, and that the light is slowly coming back for you. Sending lots of love and gratitude ❤️
I’m glad you’ve had a beautiful month and I’m always grateful that you share the joys and the agonies - helps me live better with both. Thank you! 💖