I've been talking a lot in therapy about the fear of letting things be ok.
I'm scared that if I stop overthinking, stop being hyper vigilant, stop looking for the bad and actually just let myself be here now in my life and believe that things are alright, then I'll find out one day that I've got it wrong.
Someone or something will come along and say "aha! We've caught you thinking that you can just be ok and get away with it!! What a terrible person you are, not trying to figure out the whole world and how to be the best human and fix everything and be perfect!"
I don't know who that person is, because in reality I know that I don't grant anyone that permission. I don't grant anyone the authority to tell me who I should be or how I should live.
And I don't judge any other person who allows themselves to live their life and feel good!
I think the only thing I can do is keep proving to myself that it is safe here - experiencing this life, finding the joy, doing my best but knowing that I am just one human and that's ok. Letting myself be here, without all the pressure and perceived judgement. Because I think that's something we all deserve, ultimately. To just be, and for that to be ok.
Love,
M 💜
I resonate with this so hard, and you put it into words so well. Not that poetry can solve everything (or anything, sometimes) but when I'm feeling similar, I think of this poem by Mary Oliver. Sending you love and gentleness, and thank you for the reminder to be kind and to let yourself feel safe and feel joy xo
If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy, don’t hesitate.
Give in to it.
There are plenty of lives and whole towns destroyed or about to be.
We are not wise, and not very often kind.
And much can never be redeemed.
Still, life has some possibility left.
Perhaps this is its way of fighting back,
that sometimes something happens better than all the riches or power in the world.
It could be anything,
but very likely you notice it in the instant when love begins.
Anyway, that’s often the case.
Anyway, whatever it is, don’t be afraid of its plenty.
Joy is not made to be a crumb.
Thanks for sharing this, Megan. Your last paragraph says it all. And "To just be." It sounds so simple, but in reality, it's one of the hardest things we deal with in life, isn't it?
I just had a conversation last week with my mother, who could win an award for being a prolific over-thinker/worrier. With 4 of us kids, she always has someone to worry about! I try to reason with her and say that overthinking and expecting the worse isn't (and hasn't) served her all these years. She says she hears me, but goes right back to the old habit. It has taken me YEARS to unlearn this dynamic and release the limiting thoughts. I'm so thrilled for you that you have reached this self-awareness and BONUS, are sharing it with us. Sending you much love. XO