Hands up if you’ve spent a significant portion of your time on this earth desperately worrying about what other people think of you… 🙋🏽♀️
Here’s something you don’t know about me: I used to be freakishly good at holding it in when I had to pee. Weird brag, I know.
This came in especially handy on public transport, when the idea of people watching me get up and go to the bathroom felt so unbearable that I would rather stay in my seat, squirming slightly for 3 hours, than risk strangers having a fleeting thought about my bladder. In hindsight, I realise this is a ridiculous thing to worry about. But it perfectly captures just how much I used to care what other people, any people, thought of me.
Social media as a career? Flawless plan.
One of the most challenging things about life online, is that you truly cannot control other people’s perceptions of you. In fact, that’s probably one of the things I find the most challenging about life in general: that people will believe whatever they’re going to believe about you. And sometimes, it doesn’t really have much to do with you at all!
You can be the most palatable vanilla ice-cream version of yourself and someone might still talk shit about you.
You can be kind and open and warm with every new person you meet and they could still be carrying a preconception of who you are based on something they heard once.
You can try your absolute best to be perfect, but there will still always be someone who just isn’t into it.
And you know what? It isn’t your job to change their mind.
The real goal isn’t being liked by everyone, but letting go of the need to be liked by everyone.
That shit is a long and difficult process that I definitely haven’t totally mastered. But a little while back, I started trying to practice one simple thing that really has helped me care less about what other people think:
I started to accept that my own opinions about other people were not that important.
A lot of the time I spent freaking out about what everyone else thought of me, I still casually judged other people. Online drama? Lapping it up! Heard a rumour about a relative stranger? Hand it over! Want to know what I think about someone I’ve never even met? Sure!
Even though I knew from personal experience how easily the truth about certain situations can get twisted, and how quickly false impressions of people can spread, I wasn’t applying that logic to things I’d hear about other people. I was still willing to judge them in ways that had hurt so much when done to me.
Then it hit me. How could I believe that other people’s opinions of me didn’t matter, if I believed that my opinion of them did? The maths were not math-ing.
So, I tried to stop. Which looked like practicing the following phrases:
“That doesn’t really seem like my business.”
“I’m not sure this situation needs my opinion.”
“There’s probably more going on than we realise.”
“I’ve actually never had an interaction with them so I couldn’t say.”
Whether we’re constantly worrying about other people’s opinions or constantly giving opinions about other people, we’re making ourselves out to be more important than we are. I really do not need to have an opinion on everything and everyone. I don’t need to take every piece of gossip like it’s gospel and condemn people I don’t know. I don’t need to throw my two cents into situations that have nothing to do with me. I am not that important. And that’s okay.
Sometimes when we get sucked into a normalised behaviour that we realise is harmful to all of us, the best thing we can do is take a look at ourselves and start acting the way we wish more people would. These days I try to give others the same understanding, benefit of the doubt and room for growth that I wish I had been met with many times. I concern myself with what other people are (supposedly) doing far less, and boy has that made things feel lighter.
(It’s also made it much easier to get up and use the bathroom on public transport whenever I need to).
If I don’t want their opinion of me to matter, then I have to accept that my opinion of them doesn’t matter either. And that feels like something I can change.
This resonates with me sooo much. And you summarized it perfectly with these words:
"The real goal isn’t being liked by everyone, but letting go of the need to be liked by everyone.
That shit is a long and difficult process."
I've spent YEARS trying to de-program myself from that way of thinking. I'm just about there. But unfortunately, I hear it whenever I am around my mother. It makes me IN-sane. I try to point out to her why she needs to think differently. But it's impossible. I see where I learned it from and am proud that I've recognized how unhealthy and just wrong it is. I'm aware of my thoughts most days. And thrilled with my growth.
Absolutely bloody brilliant. I needed to hear this 💗 I appreciate you calling us in ✨