Is It Just Me Or… Is It Time To Go Where We’re Celebrated?

“Go where you’re celebrated and not just tolerated” – random tweet I saw years ago.

Have you ever tried to make friends with someone who just… Really wasn’t feeling it?

Maybe you noticed that you have a lot in common, have mutual friends or move in the same circles, so you shoot your friendship shot!

You try to be funny, you ask them questions, you support their projects, you check in once in a while to show that you care…

After a little bit, you realise that you’re really not getting anything in return.

They don’t seem that interested in keeping a conversation going, they don’t actively support the things you do, and they definitely never check in unless you’ve messaged them first.

The way I see it, you have two options here:

a)      Continue pursuing the friendship. Try your absolute best to make them like you. Not working? Try harder! Win them over! Show them why you’d be a great friend! Or…

b)     Acknowledge that you deserve to be in relationships where your energy is reciprocated and let it go.

Historically, I haven’t been the best at choosing the second option. I tend to believe that if someone doesn’t like me, or if I go somewhere that doesn’t feel welcoming, it’s my job to tweak myself enough to change that. The issue must be with me! I can just work harder, do better, be more of what they want and tada! They will love me forever!

It’s much harder to accept that sometimes, that person or that place just isn’t for you. And you shouldn’t have to twist yourself into knots to make it fit. Nor should you stick around in a situation where your presence is just about accepted, but not really appreciated at all.

During my pre-pandemic life I used to find myself at lots of shiny influencer events (most of the time they were something fashion related). I’d be super thankful for the invite, I’d love the getting ready process, and then I’d brace myself to feel kinda shitty for the rest of the evening.

They were usually the kind of rooms where it feels like the second you walk in people’s eyes start scanning you, robot-style, to assess whether you’re worth their time. If people don’t know who you are they probably just move on to the next person. And if they do know you, it’s impossible to tell whether they’re being nice because they are nice, or because they’re hoping they can get something from you.

I would always leave those events feeling sticky. Sometimes I would have to escape to the bathroom partway through and text a friend to ask what in the small-talking heck I was doing there and quietly hyperventilate in the cubicle.

I wrote it off as imposter syndrome at the time but the truth is that some places are just unwelcoming af.

Some spaces will leave you questioning what you’re doing there because you were invited for the wrong reasons and you weren’t made to feel like you should be there at all.

Some people just won’t reciprocate your energy because - for reasons that really aren’t any of your business - they’ve decided that you’re not for them.

Some relationships feel one-sided because they just… are.

And in every one of those situations, we can choose to see ourselves as the problem, adapt and adjust and try harder, hoping to feel appreciated… or we can stop pouring our energy into places and people who don’t see us and never wanted to.

Last question: have you ever tried to make friends with someone and immediately felt like they just got you?

They give the same energy you give. They actively want you around. They appreciate your effort and they see your value, without you having to turn yourself inside out to show them.

THAT’S the feeling that we should move towards. Those are the relationships we should tend to.

No more turning ourselves into the problem and assuming something is lacking in us when we don’t fit.

There are places, people and things that just aren’t for us.

The sooner we accept that that’s okay, the sooner we can find the things that are.

At least that’s the energy I’m trying to move with these days: less going where I’m only tolerated, more leaning into where I’m celebrated.

And less hyperventilating in toilet cubicles, obvs.

Loving & celebrating u!

M