Over the years, whenever I've created myself on The Sims (which I don't do too often, since I play The Sims to take a break from being myself), Sim Megan has been very consistent. I always carefully create her appearance, modify her features, spend too long choosing her outfits, throw together her personality traits, and then look through the options for what her aspiration should be. Sometimes I play around with the idea of making her a musical genius or friend of all animals on the planet - but instruments are hard and so is being a vegan. Ultimately, I always come back to romance. My aspiration is always about love.
Like the rest of us, I was raised with plenty of cis-het-normative representations of relationships, fairy-tale endings and direct routes to happiness paved with all the things that follow "sitting in a tree" in that rhyme. Romantic love has always seemed like everything to me.
The idea that one day I would find someone who would truly see all the parts of who I am and want to stay deeply connected to me – physically and emotionally – that was the most intoxicating idea in the world.
And of course it would be simple! We would lock into each other and weather life together. Obviously we’d be compatible in every way, believe the same things, want the same things, and always give the other what they need. That’s just how romantic love works!
Imagine my surprise when I actually experienced it.
The reality - that love can be complicated, and messy, and filled with misunderstanding, while also being magic, and affirming, and filled with clarity - is a real mindfuck. So is the fact that when it comes to love, all of us are kind of just flailing around, forming our own beliefs about when it's right or wrong and hoping for some confirmation from somebody who claims to know better.
Social media is filled with quotes about what love should be and people who don't know your relationship in the slightest ready to advise you to end it or call you "couple goals". There aren’t many people willing to admit that this shit is hard and not one of us has it all figured out.
My relationship - at the moment - is complicated.
Sometimes it feels like a once in a lifetime connection that we can’t believe we’ve found. Sometimes it feels like I tried to get on the teacups at a theme park but accidentally walked onto the biggest looping rollercoaster in the country. I am not good with rides.
It's even weirder navigating this kind of love in quite a public way. When Kenny and I broke up for a couple of months over the summer I didn’t know how to answer the people in my DMs asking what was going on with us. The facebook status “it’s complicated” has never made more sense.
I think a lot of us quietly feel like fuck-ups because our romantic lives don't look the way we always thought they should. The one-line love advice doesn’t fit how we feel and everyone else seems to know more than us. We look for examples of other people’s relationships to use as the template, but that’s kind of hard to do when only the people in a relationship know what it’s really like.
I’m okay with saying that I’m not in a perfect relationship where everything is always easy. I’m in a relationship that has challenged me to grow in ways I didn’t realise I could, shown me more of myself and brought some of the best and worst feelings I’ve ever felt.
Is it going to work forever? Neither of us know. Is it going to look like the simple love -> marriage -> house -> babies -> happiness route we've all been taught? Absolutely not. Will I feel completely different in the future? Maybe.
I don't have definitive answers for myself or for anybody else about what the right or wrong choices are. Love is complicated as fuck. Maybe we're all getting it right, and wrong, and both, and neither. Maybe it’s better to be honest about that.
All I know is that if I had to choose between feeling all of it – the joy, the heartbreak, the connection, the anger, the euphoria, the confusion, the adventure – and feeling nothing at all… I would still tell myself to get on the ride.
Is It Just Me Or... Is Love More Complicated Than You Thought It Would Be?
My therapist recently reflected that I’ve used my eating disorder, school, life achievements etc to quantify my worth. As a way to know exactly where I stood to ease my anxiety and soothe the pit in my chest that is afraid to admit I don’t know. A number on the scale, or a grade, or a check off the list of life goals has been a crutch for dealing with the messiness of life. I think everything you said about relationships is so similar. Using strict guidelines to comfort ourselves that we’ve got this whole life thing figured out can often backfire when it ultimately doesn’t feel satisfying. I’m thankful that we’re at least all on this journey together:)