Is It Just Me Or… Is There No Winning When The Break Up Is Public?

“If you talk about what happened, you’ll just come across as a scorned woman”

“Don’t you think it’s a little insensitive to mention being single so casually? Especially when you were dating another public figure…”

“You don’t have to pretend to be happy all the time, break ups are meant to hurt for a while”

“What happened?? We were so invested in you both”

This is the part that I didn’t see coming.

Don’t get me wrong, I always knew that sharing my relationship online came with risks. I knew people were invested in the idea of us. I knew it wouldn’t be pretty if it ended. But when things were good, I didn’t think it was going to. And when things weren’t so good, I thought I would at least know how to handle this part.

Nobody gives you a rulebook for navigating heartbreak in front of a million people.

I’ve been through two major break ups in my adult life. In the first, my ex wasn’t a public figure, but I still decided to keep things private and process my heartbreak quietly anyway. I’d tried my best in the relationship, it hadn’t worked out, and I was devastated. But I still didn’t want any negativity to fall back on him. I’ve always thought of myself as someone who will wish the best for others, regardless of how I’ve been treated. I waited months before posting anything about the break up and I didn’t publicly share anything about why things ended.

A while later I fell in love with someone who was a public figure. We waited six months before sharing our relationship online. I was proud to be with him and I got so much joy from sharing our highlights. I loved him fiercely and I tried my best. It didn’t work out, and I have been devastated.

I’ve also been at a complete loss as to how to handle this publicly.

Every day I’ve been processing the heartbreak – feeling the anger, feeling the grief, picking up the pieces and trying to water myself enough to grow into the next version of Me.

I’ve wanted to share so many things because that’s what I do – I’ve built a career out of sharing the things I’m healing from. I believe in honesty and vulnerability (especially online). I believe in turning my pain into something beautiful that might help other people heal. But it’s started to feel like no matter how I handle this, I can’t win.

I can share what I’m feeling, and come across as a scorned woman (defined as a woman who reacts angrily when betrayed in love – some people who believe that women should be allowed access to the full spectrum of human emotion without being turned into tropes might simply call this an appropriate reaction).

I can say nothing and swallow it all down while people in my DMs demand to know what happened and make their own projections.

I can talk about how it feels to be single again and have strangers call me insensitive.

I can say nothing and have strangers ask me why I’m not posting about my relationship.

And underneath all of it – away from the glow of the internet and everyone’s expectations and projections – I’m still just one woman who gave her heart to someone and ended up destroyed. Some days I don’t know how to navigate that part, let alone the rest of it.

I’m trying my best. I guess that’s all I’m trying to say here. I’m trying my best to be honest and honour my emotions while still staying the person who wishes the best for others regardless of how I’ve been treated. But how I’ve been treated has changed me. I’ve learned and grown and felt so many things and right now I’m not sure what to do with those things, or how to handle people’s expectations of what I should be doing with them.

Maybe I’ll figure it out soon, but for now I’ll just say: this part sucks.

Love,

M

💜