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Double Lizzo, queer love & mixed feelings

Hello you beautiful bunch of wonders 🥰 I’m so glad to see you again!

Welcome to the March edition of ✨MJC-mail!✨, where I catch you up on what’s been going on in my life, my brain, and give you a little pep talk to round things off 💜

As always I hope you’re able to get as comfy as possible, gift yourself the time for a leisurely scroll & feel welcome to share your life updates with us in the comments! There’s such a friendly group here, and I love seeing familiar names pop up 😍

So…

The Queen (rightfully) owned this month, and we celebrated her birthday in pure purple style.

Devourer of presents, Queen of everything.

Char & I stayed up late blowing up endless balloons for the arch that the Queen specifically requested (who else has made one of these? Why are they such a test of human patience?!). She tore apart her presents and we visited her favourite gourmet restaurant (McDonalds) for a special birthday meal. 🍟

Laughing so much she’s crying, doing dance routines in her purple kitchen

I always feel like I’ve nailed my sister/carer role when Gem is cackling, being sassy and filling up the days with whatever brings her joy. Not every month goes that way, but this one absolutely did. 💜

She also gave me the BEST gift this month - tickets to see Lizzo!!!

I was lucky enough to go twice - once with Google & once with Gem, my Lizzo cup spilleth over 💃🏽

Gemma historically does not do gift-giving. Gift receiving? Loves it. Gift sourcing for other people? Nah, not her thing.

Generally every Christmas we do her shopping for her and she graciously signs the card. But this year, entirely of her own accord, she told my dad that she wanted to get me Lizzo tickets. My heart just about exploded.

Lizzo was PHENOMENAL - not only the vocals, the costumes, the flute playing, the Big Grrrl dancers, but the way she made so much time each night to pick out individuals from the crowd, invite them to the stage, open their gifts, read their signs, help them choose their next tattoo… In a crowd of 20,000 people, she made it feel like an intimate gig. A true superstar. 🌟

A talk @ Snap with Florence & a talk @ Native with Tinea! Werk!

I’ve had some lush work events this month! International Women’s Day was filled with two talks on body positivity, feminism & feeling empowered in the workplace. Always grateful to have the chance to hold a stage, connect with an audience and spread some light + feel-good vibes! 🌞

The lime green suit is a power move 🥝

I also got to host a panel for BBC Studios Social, record a super fun comedy podcast called Please Tell Me a Story, fit in another junket with MTV (I’ll show u soon!), and record something really exciting with Lush (also coming soon!).

I realised as I was putting this month’s catch up together that my phone is filled with content…

A new video series talking to my younger self, a classic episode of Hi Bitch Bye Bitch with Gem, a dancing-around get-ready-with-me reel before Lizzo!

I feel like I’m in a MUCH healthier place with social media and have moved through a lot of my anxiety about continuing to show up in that space (you’ve all really helped me with that, by being so supportive and kind here and showing me that the internet doesn’t have to be big and scary 🙏🏽).

Aaaaand to balance out all that werk!

Building Lego Spice Girls, having mini-dates at the park, getting a little too obsessed with Disney Dreamlight Valley…

I was speaking to my therapist yesterday about letting in more *genuine* fun. Especially the kind that allows me to fully switch my brain off and stop worrying about what’s coming next or what’s going wrong or what I could be doing better. Basically finding new ways to be mindful! Turns out that looks like letting myself play games and get crafty and just be a big kid sometimes. I hope you get to do some of that this month, too! 🌸

That’s my month! Gimme an update on yours if u feel so inclined! And thank u for reading this far 🥰

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I’ve been thinking a lot about (newly) dating completely outside of the male gaze, and how different that feels in so many ways. I wrote a little something about my relationship now, hopefully it resonates with some of you!

When we first started dating she would point out whenever she sensed I was performing: trying to come across as perfect, hiding my needs, focussing too much on how I looked to her. Things we all do in the early days of relationships (and things you learn to do double if you're a woman who's been dating men).

I struggled to let go of every one of them. How could this person really see me, want me, love me if I'm not being my shiniest, most desirable self?!

But I got sick, and she stayed. I had bad days, she loved me the same. I showed up as I was, she said it was a privilege to be the person who gets to hold that version of me.

Slowly, I started to trust that she really meant it. And now I'm in a relationship where I've never performed less. It's a new kind of love, and I'm so grateful to be able to just be, here. 💜

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Transcript: Hi my loves, here’s a little reminder about the power of being able to hold contradictions, and know that you’re ok. This week someone asked me how I feel about the fashion industry, and I said “I have very mixed feelings!”. As someone who loves colour and adornment, creativity and personal style, and on the other hand, hates the beauty standard, the narrow ideals that we’re sold, how unsustainable and unethical the fashion industry is, how much we focus on appearance over who people are… It is a mixed relationship. And actually I feel that way about so many things that we’re taught as traditional femininity. Whether it is clothing or make-up, how we present ourselves and our bodies to the world - I have contradictory feelings about all of them. Because at the end of the day I am a woman who is existing in this patriarchal world, I am trying my best to navigate these rules that we’ve all been given. I don’t always get it right, I don’t always stand against everything that I think should change… but I do my best. And in the past I have been really all-or-nothing in the pressure I put on myself to reject anything that isn’t completely in line with my values, and I’ve spent hours and days and months berating myself for not being able to figure out the best possible way to navigate these things, for not doing the most, for not being the most radical in my approach. And you know what? That is unsustainable for me. I need to allow myself to just be a human who is navigating these things (that she didn’t ask for!), and is doing her best. And can hold the fact that she has mixed feelings. So here’s a little love note from my internal contradictions straight to yours: I know that you are doing your best, and I want you to go easy on yourself today.

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That’s all from me my loves! I hope you enjoyed this month’s mail, thank you DOUBLE to those of you who generously bought me a coffee this month by being a paid subscriber, you’ve helped me keep writing this newsletter so THANK YOU! 🤗

Take the best possible care of yourselves, and I’ll catch you again next month!

Love,

M

💜