I gotta say I also really dislike comments about my body size, and I'm very deliberate about not commenting on anyone else's, even in ways that seem innocuous like height. But kind of for the opposite reason-- because despite all the work and unlearning I've been doing, I still get something like a hit of dopamine when someone tells me I look small/whatever to them. And I can feel all the old scripts clicking in: am I smaller than I thought? How can I preserve this smallness? Etc. One big reason I don't want anyone to compliment my body shape/size is because it positions me to start subconsciously worrying that I'll lose whatever quality they've seen in my body.
I always feel so conflicted by this. As a person in a larger body, I don't give a shit anymore what people think of me and I don't focus on weight. AND I desperately need a double lung transplant at some point and they will not let me even talk to a transplant team until my body is a BMI of 30 or lower, which means losing another 40 lbs. I refuse to do anything stupid or drastic to lose weight, and I hate that I even have to think about my weight so I can get medical care. So if someone tells me I look thinner, it sometimes makes me feel good because I think I might be closer t that goal, but it's so conflicting in my diet-adverse brain. Ugh.
100% agree. I do also hate body- and especially weight-related comments. 5 years ago I had landed a really great job, but at the same time put on weight, cause I was actually starting to recover from my ED. Everything that was commented was me looking "more female" and "healthier". Which was not helpful at all in terms of my recovery, but it also disgusted me so much that people would rather comment on my body than complement me for an amazing new role I'd landed. I think commenting, especially womens' bodies and weight all the time, is a way of putting us women down and reducing us to our outer shell, rather than looking at our abilities and our personalities. My standard phrase has become "I do not accept any comments on my weight and on my body. Respect that!" And then I'd direct the conversation to something else. Maybe that works for others, too. Don't allow people to make you feel shit... Sending lots of love to everyone, stay strong in this holiday season and focus on how amazing you are ❤️
I have spent YEARS trying to deprogram my mother on this very topic. She is CONSTANTLY commenting on other people’s weight. We were at a funeral last Monday and she remarked about the beautiful, black leather dress my SIL was wearing. Then said how only a skinny person could “get away with wearing that.” (My SIL is very thin) You popped right into my head at that moment!! I pictured your stunning wardrobe and style that she wouldn’t appreciate. I try to pick my battles with her and that wasn’t the time or place. Christmas may be another story, however! Thanks as always for your insights, Megan 😊
Godddd yes. So with you on this. The assumption that I’ll be gratified or flattered by comments about a possibly smaller body is an annoyance to me, but I know it can be far more than an annoyance for some people. It can even be deadly if it catapults someone back into disordered eating. When people ask me if I’ve lost weight, I tend to just say “I don’t know. I don’t care about that,” and I can tell that for so many people, the idea that a fat person could not care about weight loss is a little mind-boggling. So grateful for you and others who have helped me get to this place. I feel truly sad for everyone still trapped in the diet culture mindset.
I’m currently pregnant, and prior to that had some medical stuff that meant I lost quite a lot of weight. Every person who commented on my weight loss reminded me of the struggle I was facing, and they meant well but it just freaking HURT.
Now they tell me that my belly is too small to be 32 weeks pregnant, and it needs to get rounder.
I just want my body to be good and worthy. It IS good and worthy of love. But social commentary? No thanks.
I love how this community is all here for the same reason and that is fuck body shaming, fatfobia, and diet culture. Comments like the ones you got are from people who are still in that cultural mindset and for me it’s still scary or feels to hard to try and challenge or change their views. I’ve only been able to try and change my own. And I think a lot of us who know it’s not true still have to fight against it in our heads and it’s a lifelong process like a lot of things.
Thank you for being the one to introduce me to body positivity years ago - seeing you and your body as you are, and the world you opened up, has helped me a lot. And for a while I have had no interest in trying to change my body. I don’t want to care about my body and I don’t want anyone else to either. I’m still not at the level of confidence I’d like to be and sometimes I feel the progress I’ve made slipping but these emails help remind me that there are people out there who know that we should not need to change what we look like to be seen as worthy and loved and accepted. And also that there is happiness to be found in letting go of society’s beauty standards.
But I get that at this time of year, when you’re seeing a lot of relatives who grew up in a different kind of culture, having to deal with that is hard. I hope everyone has a lovely Christmas / happy holidays and is kind to themselves - I will try and take my own advice. Thanks for the newsletters Megan and for the comments this year beautiful peeps ❤️❤️❤️
I’ve had just this experience. I have always inhabited a small body, but after 3 babies, people assume I’ll be delighted if they tell me “wow, you’ve gone right back to how you were before!” I have never intentionally lost weight after having a baby, it seems like my body just gradually trends that way after 6 months or so. I never know how to respond - they clearly want me to say “thank you!” or something. But I’ve had 3 babies, brought 3 amazing humans into the world, grown them all in my belly... there are a billion things you could be praising me for other than something so boring as my body size. It bothers me that I think people assume I have been dieting - after having had an eating disorder in my teens, I never ever diet nor weigh myself. I know that’s a spiral. But in the moment I tend to just blunder “oh really, hm I hadn’t noticed” or something.
Yes! The most uninteresting part of a person is their weight. I want to work to love my body for what it does for me, but don’t really want comments about it. More focus on talking about human connection
Yessss. I had this comment a few tomes last year, I had unintentionally lost weight as I’d started up some new workouts I was enjoying and I had noticed my jeans were looser, but hadn’t dwelled on it. Then the comments started from mums at the school gates and others who didn’t know my disordered eating past. It sent me spiralling a bit into “I’d better maintain this or they’ll think I’ve failed” type thoughts and I had to do some coaching sessions to help myself feel more neutral about it. Siiiiigh.
I'm done with it. Don't tell me anything about my body and I will return the favor. The only exception is that you can tell me I'm looking particularly strong. Those compliments are never unwarranted because I'm definitely strong 💜
Wow, I literally posted about this myself the other day! I've had a few comments recently (meant as a compliment) that I look like I've lost weight/look slimmer and I just don't want to hear it as someone who intentionally doesn't eat/exercise to look a certain way anymore. It's really frustrating 😮💨
Megan your book and posts have helped me to deprogram my mind so much. Growing up with parents who both had eating disorders and sadly passed on their disordered eating habits in pursuit of the “perfect body” (I grew up in the 90s, so need I say more 🙄) I developed severe anorexic and bulimia. Those two disorders stole almost 20 years of my life and joy. 20 years I could have been making fun memories, pursuing my dreams, travelling happily- were spent in a mental cage of calorie-counting, punitive exercise and othrexia disguised as “clean eating”. Many times it was pure hell as I battled my body and hunger cues, and I almost died from the amount of throwing up I was doing. No matter what weight I was, skinny, curvy, “overweight”- my immediate family and extended family continued to comment on and criticise my body shape, and to this day I am recovering from body dysmorphia. I’m 40 now and have cut the toxic family members out of my life, only seek out supportive and burying friendships, love food, enjoy eating and listening to my hunger and satiety cues. It was the body positivity and body neutrality movements that really saved me and taught me that I and we, especially but not exclusively, woman, are so much more than our weight and appearance. Part of that was also unlearning to seek validation from men and women- I don’t need compliments about my body- it’s just vehicle for movement and a transient temple to enjoy or precious time on Earth 💗
I gotta say I also really dislike comments about my body size, and I'm very deliberate about not commenting on anyone else's, even in ways that seem innocuous like height. But kind of for the opposite reason-- because despite all the work and unlearning I've been doing, I still get something like a hit of dopamine when someone tells me I look small/whatever to them. And I can feel all the old scripts clicking in: am I smaller than I thought? How can I preserve this smallness? Etc. One big reason I don't want anyone to compliment my body shape/size is because it positions me to start subconsciously worrying that I'll lose whatever quality they've seen in my body.
I always feel so conflicted by this. As a person in a larger body, I don't give a shit anymore what people think of me and I don't focus on weight. AND I desperately need a double lung transplant at some point and they will not let me even talk to a transplant team until my body is a BMI of 30 or lower, which means losing another 40 lbs. I refuse to do anything stupid or drastic to lose weight, and I hate that I even have to think about my weight so I can get medical care. So if someone tells me I look thinner, it sometimes makes me feel good because I think I might be closer t that goal, but it's so conflicting in my diet-adverse brain. Ugh.
100% agree. I do also hate body- and especially weight-related comments. 5 years ago I had landed a really great job, but at the same time put on weight, cause I was actually starting to recover from my ED. Everything that was commented was me looking "more female" and "healthier". Which was not helpful at all in terms of my recovery, but it also disgusted me so much that people would rather comment on my body than complement me for an amazing new role I'd landed. I think commenting, especially womens' bodies and weight all the time, is a way of putting us women down and reducing us to our outer shell, rather than looking at our abilities and our personalities. My standard phrase has become "I do not accept any comments on my weight and on my body. Respect that!" And then I'd direct the conversation to something else. Maybe that works for others, too. Don't allow people to make you feel shit... Sending lots of love to everyone, stay strong in this holiday season and focus on how amazing you are ❤️
I have spent YEARS trying to deprogram my mother on this very topic. She is CONSTANTLY commenting on other people’s weight. We were at a funeral last Monday and she remarked about the beautiful, black leather dress my SIL was wearing. Then said how only a skinny person could “get away with wearing that.” (My SIL is very thin) You popped right into my head at that moment!! I pictured your stunning wardrobe and style that she wouldn’t appreciate. I try to pick my battles with her and that wasn’t the time or place. Christmas may be another story, however! Thanks as always for your insights, Megan 😊
Godddd yes. So with you on this. The assumption that I’ll be gratified or flattered by comments about a possibly smaller body is an annoyance to me, but I know it can be far more than an annoyance for some people. It can even be deadly if it catapults someone back into disordered eating. When people ask me if I’ve lost weight, I tend to just say “I don’t know. I don’t care about that,” and I can tell that for so many people, the idea that a fat person could not care about weight loss is a little mind-boggling. So grateful for you and others who have helped me get to this place. I feel truly sad for everyone still trapped in the diet culture mindset.
I’m currently pregnant, and prior to that had some medical stuff that meant I lost quite a lot of weight. Every person who commented on my weight loss reminded me of the struggle I was facing, and they meant well but it just freaking HURT.
Now they tell me that my belly is too small to be 32 weeks pregnant, and it needs to get rounder.
I just want my body to be good and worthy. It IS good and worthy of love. But social commentary? No thanks.
I love how this community is all here for the same reason and that is fuck body shaming, fatfobia, and diet culture. Comments like the ones you got are from people who are still in that cultural mindset and for me it’s still scary or feels to hard to try and challenge or change their views. I’ve only been able to try and change my own. And I think a lot of us who know it’s not true still have to fight against it in our heads and it’s a lifelong process like a lot of things.
Thank you for being the one to introduce me to body positivity years ago - seeing you and your body as you are, and the world you opened up, has helped me a lot. And for a while I have had no interest in trying to change my body. I don’t want to care about my body and I don’t want anyone else to either. I’m still not at the level of confidence I’d like to be and sometimes I feel the progress I’ve made slipping but these emails help remind me that there are people out there who know that we should not need to change what we look like to be seen as worthy and loved and accepted. And also that there is happiness to be found in letting go of society’s beauty standards.
But I get that at this time of year, when you’re seeing a lot of relatives who grew up in a different kind of culture, having to deal with that is hard. I hope everyone has a lovely Christmas / happy holidays and is kind to themselves - I will try and take my own advice. Thanks for the newsletters Megan and for the comments this year beautiful peeps ❤️❤️❤️
Fuck yes, woman! Not a compliment! How about you look great! Just that! This was a great read, thank you for this! ❤️
I’ve had just this experience. I have always inhabited a small body, but after 3 babies, people assume I’ll be delighted if they tell me “wow, you’ve gone right back to how you were before!” I have never intentionally lost weight after having a baby, it seems like my body just gradually trends that way after 6 months or so. I never know how to respond - they clearly want me to say “thank you!” or something. But I’ve had 3 babies, brought 3 amazing humans into the world, grown them all in my belly... there are a billion things you could be praising me for other than something so boring as my body size. It bothers me that I think people assume I have been dieting - after having had an eating disorder in my teens, I never ever diet nor weigh myself. I know that’s a spiral. But in the moment I tend to just blunder “oh really, hm I hadn’t noticed” or something.
Oh f*k yes, I love love LOVE your response to weight-related comments!! Thank you for sharing ❤️
Yes! The most uninteresting part of a person is their weight. I want to work to love my body for what it does for me, but don’t really want comments about it. More focus on talking about human connection
Yessss. I had this comment a few tomes last year, I had unintentionally lost weight as I’d started up some new workouts I was enjoying and I had noticed my jeans were looser, but hadn’t dwelled on it. Then the comments started from mums at the school gates and others who didn’t know my disordered eating past. It sent me spiralling a bit into “I’d better maintain this or they’ll think I’ve failed” type thoughts and I had to do some coaching sessions to help myself feel more neutral about it. Siiiiigh.
I'm done with it. Don't tell me anything about my body and I will return the favor. The only exception is that you can tell me I'm looking particularly strong. Those compliments are never unwarranted because I'm definitely strong 💜
I absolutely agree, and a way more important question is: who are you romancing in Stardew Valley???
Wow, I literally posted about this myself the other day! I've had a few comments recently (meant as a compliment) that I look like I've lost weight/look slimmer and I just don't want to hear it as someone who intentionally doesn't eat/exercise to look a certain way anymore. It's really frustrating 😮💨
Megan your book and posts have helped me to deprogram my mind so much. Growing up with parents who both had eating disorders and sadly passed on their disordered eating habits in pursuit of the “perfect body” (I grew up in the 90s, so need I say more 🙄) I developed severe anorexic and bulimia. Those two disorders stole almost 20 years of my life and joy. 20 years I could have been making fun memories, pursuing my dreams, travelling happily- were spent in a mental cage of calorie-counting, punitive exercise and othrexia disguised as “clean eating”. Many times it was pure hell as I battled my body and hunger cues, and I almost died from the amount of throwing up I was doing. No matter what weight I was, skinny, curvy, “overweight”- my immediate family and extended family continued to comment on and criticise my body shape, and to this day I am recovering from body dysmorphia. I’m 40 now and have cut the toxic family members out of my life, only seek out supportive and burying friendships, love food, enjoy eating and listening to my hunger and satiety cues. It was the body positivity and body neutrality movements that really saved me and taught me that I and we, especially but not exclusively, woman, are so much more than our weight and appearance. Part of that was also unlearning to seek validation from men and women- I don’t need compliments about my body- it’s just vehicle for movement and a transient temple to enjoy or precious time on Earth 💗