When I found myself briefly single last summer, I was absolutely broken. Everything hurt. Nobody understood. It felt like my heart was being pulled up and out of my throat every morning when I re-remembered what happened. It was unbearable – but I still found time to take nudes.
For several weird life reasons (and honestly just a complete mystery to me sometimes) I’ve managed to reach the age of 38 and have zero experience with romantic relationships or sex, but man can I still relate to the desirability issues. I used to torment myself over my unrequited crushes, convinced if I was skinnier or prettier they would like me back. And yes, even with all the learning and unlearning I’ve done, it’s still SO EASY to fall into that trap. Why does it feel like a fucking act of resistance to go run errands not looking my best?! Every week it feels like I have to remind myself that I’m not here as an ornament, that my worth is not measured by how desirable other people find me. Oof. Thanks for sharing your heart again. I love to see you coming back to yourself and saying “yes! I am fire because I say so!” Keep up the good fight, you warrior goddess.
My gosh Sophie this comment!!! "Why does it feel like a fucking act of resistance to go run errands not looking my best". 😱 Jheez, that hits so many nails on the head. Thank you for being here and sharing your experience too! Feels amazing to have people here who really *get it* 💜💜
I never quite understood why EVERY TIME after a break up I would go straight back to tinder, really seeking those likes, flirting heavily with almost every match, but still feeling bad a weird and like maybe I didn't want to be doing all of that. Seeing it all written down, and seeing all this people feeling seen, makes me feel seen and quite honestly, waayy better about myself and about going back to tinder. I got broken up with a couple of weeks ago, but this time I think I'll give erasing tinder a try. Thanks for this, insightful as fuck (as usual) 🌸
I went through this too. It wasn’t the end of a relationship, but the dwindling of a friendship which in hindsight had been flirtatious and emotionally validating to me. I lost the feeling of being seen, being wanted around, being important to someone who found me sexy. It was so hard I slipped back into disordered eating, calorie counting, obsessing over every facet of myself. I had to do a lot of work to find parts of myself lost to that person. It is hard but totally understandable to want to be noticed again when that person is gone. ❤️
Oh Raffy thank you so much for sharing this and validating my feels as well. Wild how deeply that feeling of abandonment can cut 😣 I hope you're well into your healing now and have collected plenty of those parts back for yourself, they always should have belonged to you! 💜💜
Omg I relate so much 😭 I had never felt the need to take photos before but then a break up comes completely out of the blue for me and I found myself posing in brand new lingerie he was never going to get to see 😬 made me feel super sexy in between sob fests 😅
Sounds familiar! I needed to show others and myself how so many people were hot for me after a breakup years ago. It's weird. I guess it has something to do with feeling abandoned and immediately connecting that to being undesirable.
I feel I experience the inverse - being single and not dating is when I feel the most me. Freedom to be in my body without thinking am I desirable. I grow my body hair, and cut my head hair and move my body in ways that only please me. I wear clothes that are bolder and when I look at photos from those times I wonder where my self expression went. Looking at this I am questioning how many of the things I do with my body/my clothes in relationship are performative and still stuck in old cycles of codependancy and crap I'm trying to break from.
I feel a bit sad saying that and am going to sit with the feelings. Think about how I can access that freedom and comfortable-ness while in a relationship and what it means if I don't feel able to.
Thank you for your thoughts and for sharing with us on the Internet!
Owhhhh Amelia I feel this so much!! Actually realised I was experiencing a very similar thing in my last relationship, where at times it made me care SO much more about my desirability whereas the last time I was single I was happily not giving af! It's always complicated but I do know that you deserve to feel like the truest version of yourself (we both do). Sending love from my hairy pits to yours 💜
I've been going through this for the last few months after ending a long term relationship that I didn't felt desired in. Ever since then I've been having such a hard time because I've been obsessed with feeling desirable but also felt frustrated with myself for feeling that way. I do love myself but I struggle to feel confident in myself and it's been a vicious cycle. Until I read this, I didn't understand what I was feeling and now that I understand what I've been going through I'm able to shift my mindset and try to refocus on accepting myself. Thank you so much for sharing this, it is so reassuring to know I'm not the only one who felt this way!! 💜
YESSSSSSS!! 🙌🏻🙌🏻 I have completely found myself obsessing over my desirability when the one I have loved withdrew or was gone from my life! I’m sorry you had to go through that but so glad you brought it up…and happy to know I am not the only one who allows those ugly thoughts in my head. Keep on being the 🔥🔥 fucking Queen you are!! ❤️😘❤️
Thank you so much, Megan! You've just diagnosed something that I have been going through, but couldn't quite put my finger on it. The hyper-focus on desirability made me feel uncomfortable as it is not really aligned with my values. Your reflection has really helped me understand why that is and now I can see light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you ❤
I appreciate this so much Sofia! That's exactly it - our hearts trying to find some validation in places that our brain knows our values don't lie in. Tricky to navigate! Pleased to be doing it alongside others 💜💜
Oh yes. When my ex left I remember days of constant crying and also extreme overwhelm about my future romantic prospects. I was 28 and had been married for less than two years to a man who ended up loving someone else. I remember going to a baseball game a few weeks later and being completely paralyzed with thoughts over how I could find another partner among so many people in the world. I felt like I was looking at everyone as a potential partner which was NOT healthy.
I remember reading something a few years ago that “divorced women love selfies” and I really think that’s true. I took sooooo many selfies, got my hair done, and actually learned how to use makeup. It started because I thought I’d have to be beautiful to find a new partner. I have spent the years since my divorce learning how to love myself, and now I actually think I am beautiful.
It doesn’t hurt to have a now-partner who is loving and tells me every day that I’m beautiful. But I had to have the same love for myself first.
PS—You don’t need to hear it from me but you are HOTT and you have helped me confirm in the past few years that my body is beautiful, too. You are one of my first body-positive follows ❤️
Thank you for sharing this friend!! I completely relate and also nice to know that someone's been there and come through the other side 🥺 appreciate you! 💜💜
I'm probably quite a lot older than you at 43, and I've never really had much confidence until recently...mainly because of YOU. You remind and empower me with the memory, that I carry around this "birthright" of been friggin flaming sexy...and ain't a damn thing anyone can do about haha. What I tragedy...I am a convicted born hotty😉🔥
I don't know who broke your heart but I've had a pray to my God and asked them to give them herpes or some other nasty STI ok😜😜😜
Teena I love this level of confidence for you! As it should be!! 🔥💁♀️ also thank you for giving me a shout out to the gods but no revenge necessary - we move onwards & upwards & know our worth! 🙏🏽💜💜
Please - wishing herpes as if it's a bad thing really isn't something that helps with the stigma - especially as I'm someone with herpes who is also heartbroken and dealing with the idea that my desirability is less now. Herpes can happen to anyone and it shouldn't be stigmatised like this.
Thank you for pointing this out Hannah - wasn't sure how to phrase it myself and I really appreciate you offering us this. You absolutely deserve a stigma free space 💜
For several weird life reasons (and honestly just a complete mystery to me sometimes) I’ve managed to reach the age of 38 and have zero experience with romantic relationships or sex, but man can I still relate to the desirability issues. I used to torment myself over my unrequited crushes, convinced if I was skinnier or prettier they would like me back. And yes, even with all the learning and unlearning I’ve done, it’s still SO EASY to fall into that trap. Why does it feel like a fucking act of resistance to go run errands not looking my best?! Every week it feels like I have to remind myself that I’m not here as an ornament, that my worth is not measured by how desirable other people find me. Oof. Thanks for sharing your heart again. I love to see you coming back to yourself and saying “yes! I am fire because I say so!” Keep up the good fight, you warrior goddess.
My gosh Sophie this comment!!! "Why does it feel like a fucking act of resistance to go run errands not looking my best". 😱 Jheez, that hits so many nails on the head. Thank you for being here and sharing your experience too! Feels amazing to have people here who really *get it* 💜💜
I never quite understood why EVERY TIME after a break up I would go straight back to tinder, really seeking those likes, flirting heavily with almost every match, but still feeling bad a weird and like maybe I didn't want to be doing all of that. Seeing it all written down, and seeing all this people feeling seen, makes me feel seen and quite honestly, waayy better about myself and about going back to tinder. I got broken up with a couple of weeks ago, but this time I think I'll give erasing tinder a try. Thanks for this, insightful as fuck (as usual) 🌸
I went through this too. It wasn’t the end of a relationship, but the dwindling of a friendship which in hindsight had been flirtatious and emotionally validating to me. I lost the feeling of being seen, being wanted around, being important to someone who found me sexy. It was so hard I slipped back into disordered eating, calorie counting, obsessing over every facet of myself. I had to do a lot of work to find parts of myself lost to that person. It is hard but totally understandable to want to be noticed again when that person is gone. ❤️
Oh Raffy thank you so much for sharing this and validating my feels as well. Wild how deeply that feeling of abandonment can cut 😣 I hope you're well into your healing now and have collected plenty of those parts back for yourself, they always should have belonged to you! 💜💜
It reads it’s head every now and then, but it’s a work in progress. ❤️
Omg I relate so much 😭 I had never felt the need to take photos before but then a break up comes completely out of the blue for me and I found myself posing in brand new lingerie he was never going to get to see 😬 made me feel super sexy in between sob fests 😅
Sounds familiar! I needed to show others and myself how so many people were hot for me after a breakup years ago. It's weird. I guess it has something to do with feeling abandoned and immediately connecting that to being undesirable.
Hit the nail on the head Jade!! 💜
MEGAN - this made me think!!
I feel I experience the inverse - being single and not dating is when I feel the most me. Freedom to be in my body without thinking am I desirable. I grow my body hair, and cut my head hair and move my body in ways that only please me. I wear clothes that are bolder and when I look at photos from those times I wonder where my self expression went. Looking at this I am questioning how many of the things I do with my body/my clothes in relationship are performative and still stuck in old cycles of codependancy and crap I'm trying to break from.
I feel a bit sad saying that and am going to sit with the feelings. Think about how I can access that freedom and comfortable-ness while in a relationship and what it means if I don't feel able to.
Thank you for your thoughts and for sharing with us on the Internet!
Owhhhh Amelia I feel this so much!! Actually realised I was experiencing a very similar thing in my last relationship, where at times it made me care SO much more about my desirability whereas the last time I was single I was happily not giving af! It's always complicated but I do know that you deserve to feel like the truest version of yourself (we both do). Sending love from my hairy pits to yours 💜
I've been going through this for the last few months after ending a long term relationship that I didn't felt desired in. Ever since then I've been having such a hard time because I've been obsessed with feeling desirable but also felt frustrated with myself for feeling that way. I do love myself but I struggle to feel confident in myself and it's been a vicious cycle. Until I read this, I didn't understand what I was feeling and now that I understand what I've been going through I'm able to shift my mindset and try to refocus on accepting myself. Thank you so much for sharing this, it is so reassuring to know I'm not the only one who felt this way!! 💜
Lindsay this comment reads like the inside of my brain! Thank you for sharing. Absolutely not alone, lots of us moving through this feeling 💜💜
I definitely think this too. You’re not alone. I just wish I could think of myself as hot as 🔥.
"performing desirability" ooooof, that hit me.
YESSSSSSS!! 🙌🏻🙌🏻 I have completely found myself obsessing over my desirability when the one I have loved withdrew or was gone from my life! I’m sorry you had to go through that but so glad you brought it up…and happy to know I am not the only one who allows those ugly thoughts in my head. Keep on being the 🔥🔥 fucking Queen you are!! ❤️😘❤️
We're bad af for kicking those ugly thoughts to the curb! 💃🏽💜
Thank you so much, Megan! You've just diagnosed something that I have been going through, but couldn't quite put my finger on it. The hyper-focus on desirability made me feel uncomfortable as it is not really aligned with my values. Your reflection has really helped me understand why that is and now I can see light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you ❤
I appreciate this so much Sofia! That's exactly it - our hearts trying to find some validation in places that our brain knows our values don't lie in. Tricky to navigate! Pleased to be doing it alongside others 💜💜
Oh yes. When my ex left I remember days of constant crying and also extreme overwhelm about my future romantic prospects. I was 28 and had been married for less than two years to a man who ended up loving someone else. I remember going to a baseball game a few weeks later and being completely paralyzed with thoughts over how I could find another partner among so many people in the world. I felt like I was looking at everyone as a potential partner which was NOT healthy.
I remember reading something a few years ago that “divorced women love selfies” and I really think that’s true. I took sooooo many selfies, got my hair done, and actually learned how to use makeup. It started because I thought I’d have to be beautiful to find a new partner. I have spent the years since my divorce learning how to love myself, and now I actually think I am beautiful.
It doesn’t hurt to have a now-partner who is loving and tells me every day that I’m beautiful. But I had to have the same love for myself first.
PS—You don’t need to hear it from me but you are HOTT and you have helped me confirm in the past few years that my body is beautiful, too. You are one of my first body-positive follows ❤️
Thank you for sharing this friend!! I completely relate and also nice to know that someone's been there and come through the other side 🥺 appreciate you! 💜💜
Preach Sister!!!🔥 Non-negotiable hotness indeedy💯
I'm probably quite a lot older than you at 43, and I've never really had much confidence until recently...mainly because of YOU. You remind and empower me with the memory, that I carry around this "birthright" of been friggin flaming sexy...and ain't a damn thing anyone can do about haha. What I tragedy...I am a convicted born hotty😉🔥
I don't know who broke your heart but I've had a pray to my God and asked them to give them herpes or some other nasty STI ok😜😜😜
Love ya Meg🫂💜
Teena I love this level of confidence for you! As it should be!! 🔥💁♀️ also thank you for giving me a shout out to the gods but no revenge necessary - we move onwards & upwards & know our worth! 🙏🏽💜💜
Please - wishing herpes as if it's a bad thing really isn't something that helps with the stigma - especially as I'm someone with herpes who is also heartbroken and dealing with the idea that my desirability is less now. Herpes can happen to anyone and it shouldn't be stigmatised like this.
Thank you for pointing this out Hannah - wasn't sure how to phrase it myself and I really appreciate you offering us this. You absolutely deserve a stigma free space 💜